“Today a young man, his heart bursting with hope, will walk out of a jewelry store carrying a diamond engagement ring. A car salesman will shake hands on a deal he might have needed to make his mortgage payment. A woman will be told her cancer has spread. Billions of dollars will flow through banks and brokerage houses.
Someone will hear a Beethoven sonata for the first time, or a Puccini aria, and marvel at the passion and beauty preserved in notes penned by a composer long deceased. A car will hit a slick spot on the road, spin out of control, and smash into a tree, and the paramedics won’t arrive in time. A young couple will buy their first house. A lifelong dream will quietly wither. Another will be fulfilled.
All on another routine, ordinary day.”
-A. Barton Hinkle, Richmond Times-Dispatch, Tuesday, January 9, 2000
I realized this week that I choose not to write here about the days that I feel icky. I keep things cleaner here than even *I* like when we’re talking about real. I always feel really uncomfortable reading blogs where everything’s going right. The good things I share, the successes, the excitement – sure, they’re real. But life isn’t made up just of the good things, and my life is definitely not just peaches, cream, and dreams coming true.
I have bad days. I get up hoping to finish at least one project, and my kids interrupt me every ten minutes – and between them and my health and my treatment that knocks me out solid by noon so I can’t see and can’t think, the day tanks by the time we hit lunch. Other days, things are going along fine and I get hit with something I forgot, and let me tell you, it’s not just something I have to fix, IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS I KNOW IT??!?!
Yay for panic attacks.
I kick myself for letting others down after I’ve been given a gift, diving into anxiety for being the picky perfectionist that I am. I’ll be sitting at my computer working away, and the thoughts pounce about what a DORK I am. I routinely catch myself calling me an idiot, or defining me as stupid. AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY.
Oh, and do you know, my hair is falling out by the handful and I’m going to have to get a crazy short cut because it’s getting so thin? My eyes are yellowed because of the drug I’m on, and I’ve been having detox breakouts that take me back to my teenage years. I can’t seem to gain weight, and I can’t complain about that because everyone who is trying to lose weight hates me for being thin.
So I take an Anne of Green Gables approach to the world. I acknowledge that the bad is there, and I live in it – but there is ever so much beauty to be found within it all. I’d rather live there – in the true, the lovely, the pure, the good, the happy, the light – than dwell on the awful.
Still in the end, the awful does mix in – it can’t be left out, not here – and it is what makes life exquisite to live. If you can find real good within real pain, you’ve learned art, you’ve learned what makes a routine, ordinary day worth living.
The only thing I have to hold onto most days is the fact that I am God’s. That Jesus became sin for me so I could become – in Him – the righteousness of God. So I could know Him right here where I am – in the good or in the bad.
SHARE:
I’m with you, I don’t like to post when I’m feeling icky either. If I could just show everyone the good things… but the truth is we all go through down days and I try to remind myself that sharing might help someone else get through their bad day too. Thanks for the post!
Suzanna recently posted..White Towels
I’m reminded how Paul teaches us to rejoice always, and yes, there is so much sweetness when we can find beauty in the pain.
Few are brave enough to be “real” Kelly and I do so appreciate your heart.
HisFireFly recently posted..The Me Project by Kathi Lipp Blog Tour
if it’s any consolation to you, my face broke out in the first trimester of this pregnancy and it brought back all those horrible teenage feelings. other pregnant women got to glow, i broke out. it didn’t seem fair. on the upside, your eyes may be a bit yellow but your vision (maybe i should say Vision with a capital V) hasn’t been hindered. and short hair is sassy and easy to upkeep when you have littles not only that, it will grow back. i think you still have much to be thankful and grateful for :) i also think your honesty is refreshing.
amanda {the habit of being} recently posted..well yes, i’m social
A marvelous thing about being in Christ, is that we always have hope. We don’t grieve as ones who have no hope, nor do we have very bad awful days without hope. We may have to dig deeper to find the hope some days, to remember that we possess it. But it is there, as sure as Christ who gives it to us.
Shelli Bourque recently posted..as summer gives way to autumn
I read a book last year called “The Next Million Years”, and one thing stuck with me– that turmoil manifests art; there is no art unless there is also suffering. Art is our way through the suffering. Maybe blogging can be considered an art? And even though we may not share as much about the dark patches, dirty laundry, or bad health, it’s because blogging is our way of working through the darkness by focusing on the light. :)
Sarah recently posted..Thank you for visiting!
I’m am so sorry about your hair. I know how you love having it long, so that is a real shame. On the other hand, you are a beautiful woman, your beautiful spirit shines through. And you bring us such beauty, which is a glorious gift. There is something so special about someone who can look into their suffering and see the beauty and goodness. I hope very much your treatment is working, slow and hard, towards making you better. (((Hugs)))
sarah recently posted..outside and off the page
One of my online friends (I like to call them imaginary friends) cautioned me that one of the dangers of getting to know one another through our blogs is that we can edit our online selves. The ones I’ve come to care about the most are the ones who just let fly with the reality of trying to live faithfully in a messed up, broken, beautiful world. Even your ugly words here are beautiful. Thank you for sharing them.
Nancy recently posted..Wind and Whispers
Once upon a time you left a comment on my blog and I visited yours for awhile because I love the way you write. Somewhere along the way I lost your blog and I just came across it again. So glad I did.
Love you, friend.
Kelly – Yes, this just hit me where I am today. So, I do what we writers do best and wrote about it! I linked back with my There and Back Again feature. I guess now EVERYONE will know that you and I are having a bad day. But, I see that as a good thing. (HE will be exalted in our weaknesses.) Praying for you friend.
Charity Singleton recently posted..There and Back Again: So You Had a Bad Day
Yes, look to Anne with an “e” for the answers. Rename all the crap in your life. After all the White Way of Delight is just a road.
Megan Willome recently posted..Drought & Writing
i was thinking about the quote… the ordinary day. i think my view of ordinary is being changed.
i am glad that God is with us in the real pain, the hard stuff, the bad and the ugly. He comes with quiet words of Love for our heart and soul.
nance recently posted..at a loss
I think this just may be one of those universal truths Kelly. I tend to crawl into myself on those awful days when I’ve called myself every name I can think of and feel as though I just don’t ever want to see or talk to anyone ever again. There is grace for finding the beauty amid all that ugly. I just have to somehow catch hold of it.
I so appreciate and understand this. It is a great blessing and encouragement to others when we are real.
Linda recently posted..A Moment’s Pause
Kelly, my heart breaks for where you are. It’s a hard place, long and sometimes lonely, exhausting and bone-wearying…and yet it’s the most beautiful place I’ve ever been, for it’s taught me to seek God in the moment, beauty in the small, to breathe deeply and experience God’s overwhelming immensity, who I am and who I was ultimately created to be in Him. I wouldn’t choose to re-live the hardest years of my life, but I also wouldn’t choose to go back to who I was before them. There is something profound and deep and rich and real that happens in that place, something that spills out into all we do, all we are on the other side, because that, as you said, is “what makes life exquisite to live.” Thank you, Kelly, for beautiful words from a beautiful soul.
Hey, you. Just to say…I know you are as real as it gets. Your heart always shines, even on the bad days. Sometimes, for me, writing is a way to work out the bad. If it comes out more clean on the page, maybe it’s because I need to see it that way for that day. I dunno. It’s really a mystery, isn’t it? This crazy writing/creating thing. Here’s a hug for you, Kelly.
laura recently posted..It Means Everything: Poem
i tend to be the ‘anne of green gables’ girl too :) i look at this way, life is gonna happen, the good and the bad. the icky and the beautiful. God’s word tells us we have a choice, to ‘think on the good’ (phil. 4:8). we have hope and our true joy lies in knowing that we are made for some place so much more beautiful. i’m sorry to hear your struggling with your health…i will be praying for you. stay focused on the good in your life. you have so much beauty that you share with the world. that comes from within. xo
shelbi recently posted..first day of school
“Finding the good in the pain” is that elusive quest that we have sought for generations upon generations. When I look in the mirror and see imperfection, He sees something entirely different. And that gives me comfort.
[...] so much as I did. For one, I love being the person that I am most days. (I know, this contradicts what I said yesterday, but those were the BAD days!) And I KNOW who I am, maybe for the first time in my [...]
I’m not sure how I surfed onto your website last night, but the window to your blog was open when I sat down at the computer this morning.
I was supposed to be working on a news story last night, and although it was a good news story (the local police dept. raised $25,000 and bought 450 underprivileged children a day of Santa, hot dogs, cookies, bouncy houses, a petting zoo, coats, hats, gloves, socks, and three presents each!!) I couldn’t seem to get a grip on the beauty of the piece. My mind was determined to focus on the sadness I saw buried behind the eyes of the children as they struggled to enjoy their day of good fortune and gifts.
I ended up falling asleep at the keyboard last night.
So this morning, as I continued to struggle with procrastination and self-doubt and depression, I opened your blog and started scrolling through, enjoying the deep beauty of your photographs and the way you use the light to make your subjects glow. The light has an unearthly and magical quality. You have found a way to use light and gentle color to enhance natural beauty in such a way that it brings out some of the beauty that is inside the person, the beauty we can’t usually see or feel through a photograph, but can only experience through relationship.
In your photographs the light overwhelms the shadows and darkness, but it doesn’t obliterate it. It’s a true beauty. Most of the wedding photographs I see are glitter and glamor shots of people all dressed up, wearing a forced grin of elation that usually leaves me feeling rather empty because I know they are people playing dress-up, pretending for a while that life is wonderful and all is well and bright and perfect.
But it’s not. There are shadows and darkness and pain and hunger, and there is meanness and evil and cruelty. But there IS light.
And as I work through these thoughts at my keyboard, I know why I found your pages last night and why I needed to read them this morning — I just don’t know how He got me here. These serendipitous moments in life never cease to amaze me — I just wish I could hang onto them longer and remember how wonderful, how forgiving God’s love is … but then, I guess we need the darkness in order to truly recognize the light.
God’s love doesn’t destroy all of the darkness in our lives, but the light of his loves casts a glow over the objects of his affection. His mercy calls forth a beauty, delight and wonder that makes every tear shed over the pain and abuse in the darkness and every moment of self-doubt and self-hatred, worth our suffering. (I’m not preaching at you, just s
When you called yourself a “DORK” I laughed out loud. That’s me! I do that too!
Thank you for putting me on the right track this morning. I’ve had people tell me how I’ve inspired them through my writing, helped them to see in a new way, and brought a new light to their understanding. I’m always a little puzzled and sometimes doubtful that I could actually made a difference, but I think I believe them when they say it … maybe. :P
You gave me a new vision and understanding this morning. I’m grateful that you were here, sharing your love and pain, self-doubt and artistry. You inspire me.
Ha! And now I’m reminded why writers need editors (and I just got off the phone with mine, he’s wondering where the story is).
The sentence that began “(I’m not preaching at you, just s … ” should have ended with ” … haring an conversation I’m having with myself. I’m sure you already know what I’m talking about, you’re the Artist!)”
Kimberly Mason recently posted..Lewis County Mycological Society’s First Foray