“Have I lost your heart?” he asked me, and I didn’t know what to say, what to do but to ask myself the same, and the answer that came was “I think I’ve lost my heart.”
Things have not been easy lately. I place such value on relationship, but I am not able to invest deeply in relationships right now. Sometimes it takes all I have to muster a smile for my kiddos. Conversation feels impossible. I gravitate toward easy things that help me feel alive – writing, design, pictures, beauty – but I know it is not enough. I know I am not enough.
I live the days in a constant tension that has me turning off Twitter, ignoring my Reader, shutting out all the voices who have something to say about what God wants me to DO, and how God thinks I should ACT. I want fellowship with someone who knows Him, but I avoid people because I have a sense that I am not okay in this place. Because I can’t take the answers or the fix-its or the do’s or the don’ts. Because one more thing on top of everything will be too much for me to handle.
And I beg God, “please, You’re not the one telling me I have to do or stop doing or start this or be that, are You?”
All I have is grace, all I can know right now is that Jesus is enough. If I am to have faith like a child, I must simply dwell here and stop trying to grow up, stop worrying about becoming more spiritual or less anything.
The sun woke my world today, and it’s threading through the leaves on the trees, whitening the high clouds and the jet trails through September blue. I’ve been given this moment for breathing, and that is all any of us really have. That is grace, to have the moments, to be able to breathe when we can do nothing else.
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Thank you each for sharing from your heart – you are in my heart now, and I’ve found myself praying for you, so familiar with your struggle to keep breathing in a get-it-done world that steals our breath in so many ways. Emily writes of the grace that makes room for our souls to breathe. Don’t miss her heart for you – don’t miss God’s heart for you.