I made one resolution this year for myself – that I would begin journaling again. We are six days into the year, and I haven’t even opened the new journals I bought.
When I’m as quiet as I’ve been lately, I’m either really sick or really busy. I’ll leave the full explanation to your imagination with the following notes: my doctor made a house call; I installed more photos at The Girl in the White Dress; I probably broke my tailbone yesterday; I had a second meeting with Richard Photo Lab; and I’ve been working on a new design for a friend. Either way, I’m just not writing lately.
But if I’m to be honest, I have to say that I haven’t had words to spare. They’re needed elsewhere, for driving in the car, for quiet comments, for teaching my children, for articles in three different places. And also have to admit that I’ve been putting the real words off, unwilling to enter that vulnerable spot where life is deconstructed before it begins to make sense again.
Last year, God gave me three words: Breathe, open, receive. All about letting go, releasing control, allowing my heart to open.
This year, I only have one word in my head and my heart, and I can’t shake it. It’s the word that will rip me open, the one that speaks into the fears that have held me back.
I’ve spent a year and a half building a photography business, but I have never really let myself accept that it might possibly be God’s will for me to do something I love so much. My logic is flawed, I know, but this is my biggest fear in going forward, that I will be stepping into something that He wouldn’t want me to do, because it’s not spiritual enough, because it’s not GOD enough.
But being able to live human and still glorify God is freedom. It is living how I live in Christ, under grace. Honoring God with my life isn’t as overtly spiritual as this recovering good girl trained herself to think it was.
Apparently, He’s not going to let me sit on the fence about it again in 2012.
His word for me this year is “GO.”
GO, believing what my whole heart knows is true, that Jesus died so I could live human without fear of God’s disapproval. GO, and give all I can to the things that bring me joy and make me praise. GO, and live unashamed. GO, and love from where I am and not where I think I’m supposed to be.
I have no idea where I’m going to end up. Only I hope it’s in Him. It won’t be worth going if it’s not.
“My logic is flawed, I know . . .” Imagine. An artist with flawed logic! The older I get, the less use I seem to have for logic anyway. I’m working my way through the Good Girl now. Why, oh, why didn’t she write that twenty years ago. Go confidently, dear Kelly. Can’t wait to see what God does in and through you. (And, can’t wait to see more of your purty pictures!)
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You will go and do well. You will be blessed beyond what you can believe or imagine. You are gifted and that gift will bless others. I will pray that your confidence and your healing will come soon. Press on and in to a new year my friend.
Dear Kelly, I’m so interested in you being a recovering good girl. When I first discovered grace it was like everything I knew was bulldozed and I was standing in ruins and slowly over time it changed to walking on air. I know what you mean about it being such a shift in the approach you take to living life. I’m seeking direction right now for where to go with work. I was wondering how you ever got as far as starting on your photography business. Have you written your discovering grace story anywhere? X
I pray all the time that I will see and follow the path that God has put before me. God knows that there are many paths out there – selfish paths, egotistical paths, the path of the devil – I want to follow His path. I can perfectly relate to your word “Go.” Thank you, as always, for sharing.
Yikes…that one can be very scary to take on…and yet, we both know that if He is placing that word on your heart and mind, He has a plan to use it for His glory and your good…and I can’t wait to hear about how that all comes together!!
I also vowed to journal more…and even tho I am blogging again after a two month shut-down, I still haven’t laid pen to paper. And it is an amazing little journal and wonderful pens…blah. :)
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You sound just like my college roommate, still one of my dearest friends. No wonder I love you so!
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As I read this the words of an old song came to mind: “Go in my name and because you believe, others will know that I live.” He uses your beauty shared to reveal more of Himself in marvelous ways. Your gift is huge … He goes before you.
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oh. i needed this so badly tonight. yes, you go girl! xo
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ooo come link up with the crew at the http://oneword365.com through my friend Alece (http://twitter.com/gritandglory) or http://gritandglory.com – your word is AMAZING Kelly!
what a beautiful post, kelly. go, for He goes before you…
Yes!
You GO, girl! :)
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