A 5:30 a.m. airport patdown is not the way to begin a conference weekend. Or is it? I haven’t decided yet. I feel fragile, on the verge of tears every other minute. They trust me to step out and engage, and I can’t help but engage wide open today, because I cried this morning, hard and real and now I’m open and something is happening inside of me. Coming in my first year as a leader, not knowing anyone, this is hard, but this is what I do – I was born an oldest child, paving the way and setting my own boundaries.
I’m soaking in the sunset and the quiet for a little while before I go back down and join the party, breathing because if I don’t – well, I guess I won’t be alive anymore.
I’ve been scared out of my mind today, uncertain, vulnerable – and I’ve been alive the whole time. I’ve been able to smile, to talk, to cry, to FEEL, and these are good things, even if the “go” itself is wigging me out. I don’t know what day it is, don’t know what time it is. I’m carrying a map of the hotel around with me and getting lost anyway because oh-by-the-way I really can’t read maps – but it’s okay.
I had french fries for lunch – with no guilt because Pete is 8 hours away from the potato threat (which I will probably have to explain for those of you who don’t already know that he is anaphylactically allergic to potatoes). I’ve learned that I can translate avatars across into real life, and that it’s okay to be new and to reach out anyway.
Today wasn’t what I thought it would be, but I think it might be more. I don’t know. I think there will be a lot of processing for me, and a lot of living without overthinking it too. I’ve been begging God for practice in listening to others and reaching outside myself, and ohmywordamIgoingtogetpractice. There are some incredible people here, people I’ve been wanting to meet, and people I didn’t even know existed before I talked with them this afternoon.
Have I ever mentioned that I love people? I love how conversations can spin out of control and go anywhere, and all of a sudden, you discover you’re not alone anymore. It’s a little like life, if you live it with your eyes open. I’m finally starting to be really excited about this conference.
Okay. Must needs fix my makeup and go buy a bag to carry stuff in that doesn’t weigh a ton. YEEP. I need some serious conference packing lessons…
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Have fun, Kelly!
Danielle recently posted..One of Twelve
You will do awesome, I wish I was going someday I will go to what used to be relevant. I really do have to meet my very special ‘on line friends’.
Good luck…I’m sure you’re doing a great job as a leader.
Wowzer girl. Been wondering how it’s going. And that living without overthinking it bit, bingo! got me between the eyeballs.
Blessings.
Simply Darlene recently posted..Professors, Pups & Pedigrees
Been thinking about you today. Glad to get your update. Keep them coming. I would say that “you’re a blessing,” but then again, I better not, or you’ll ignore my comment. :)
Jennifer@GDWJ recently posted..The Paradoxical Adoration of Misfits and Wretches
I love your honesty. I think vulnerability is what people are drawn to. That means, you will do great this weekend. It makes you real. I pray you have a wonderful conference,
Shanda Oakley recently posted..Shoes
It was so nice to talk to you in the Mobile Photography session. Thanks! I hope your whole experience was all you wanted it to be.
As I’ve been following your blogs, I breathe. Your honesty loosens up my chest. A cough is messy. People tend to turn the other way. But when you realize that maybe I’m sick, too, then you enjoy the coughing and the movement. Because at least you know something is happening. Inside.
Matthew Kreider recently posted..Valerie’s Got It Covered