I knew when I began transitioning my brand to focus around my photography that I was going to take a social media hit or two. I also knew that birthing a business would require focus – a confinement, some isolation, indescribable growth. But even knowing that, I was unprepared for how it would hurt. Change always exacts a price.
I’ve spent my whole life moving. The longest I stayed in any one place was 8 years – and I spent that time in seven different homes. Every move came with an exquisite sense of pain mingled with expectation. Every new place gave me room to become more myself than I had been in the last.
But this move I’ve been making from brokenhearted God-rambling to a focused, real-life career has been the hardest move I’ve ever made. Perhaps it’s because the changes are happening inside me this time.
I am more me than I’ve ever been. I no longer need to write me out to justify myself or what I believe. The depth of me in my work now is more than I believed possible. I approach life differently now, engage with people differently. I’m stronger, more confident.
But I’m scareder too. And if I’m gonna be really honest? I’m lonely.
I’m almost embarrassed to be writing this post, but it’s hard to say I’m living real life if all I reveal is the glamour of it.
I am not famous. I’m a very little fish in a Very Big Pond. People aren’t yet beating down the door to have me take their picture, no matter what it LOOKS like here. They aren’t yet regularly pinning my work to Pinterest. Photo posts are the easiest posts to read online, but most of my readers don’t comment. And it’s not that I don’t understand. In a world inundated with visual stimulation, even I don’t take the time to fully appreciate others’ work.
It feels like a waiting, as if I’m a new face in a new town. Relationships come slowly after moves. In a way, leaving my old niche has made me more open to new and deep relationships – the kind where there is a mutuality, an ability to sit and be with someone, understanding that leaves room for challenge that leads to growth. So I invest close to home, close to my heart – in my neighbors, my clients, my family, in others who reach for my heart with their own.
Hebrews says that anyone who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He gives to those who diligently seek Him. It has taken me 30 years to believe that second part, as if God’s goodness was a fluke, as if seeking Him was meant only to bring hope with pain, when He is Love itself, when love desires to bring joy to the loved.
The life I built to survive my pain falling away – and I. Don’t. Know. What. Comes. Next. But that’s what walking out on faith looks like. That is the exhilaration of being alive and opening once-closed arms out to embrace a whole world God wants to give to me.
Real life is pain, with joy. People change and grow apart. Life moves on. But if we don’t shut down to survive the passage of time, if we keep our hearts open, we encounter eternity, even here.
FILED UNDER: Behind the Lens, Chicago, Loneliness, Personal, Photography
You’ve inspired me to comment more on the blogs I read, so my favorite bloggers can know how much they speak into my life. :-) I think I know how you feel about the pain that comes from jumping from an old way of living that you no longer need, to a new way of living that is more real, concrete, alive. It’s hard to leave the old life behind because it felt safe for so long. I love the picture, by the way.
I think it’s hard to have an online business (or one promoted largely online). That’s where the “lonely” comes in, as we are everywhere and yet feel nowhere… I mean, we are not grounded in the physical, whether that be sound or touch or fragrance… it’s a somewhat flat existence, as fun as it can be in certain ways.
Yet this is where you (and I) have chosen to be. I think it might mean a need for more physical touch-points at regular intervals. That’s the piece I’m working on anyway. Just thinking out loud :)
Change is difficult. I don’t know many who thrive through it, though we get through it regardless. Just keep taking one step at a time. It’s thrilling to watch you trust the path so well. Lonely is hard, but you are never alone. ((hugs))
Beautifully written, Kelly! Change is both exciting and terrifying. Even when we see the good emerging, we don’t often know how to respond during these “middle” periods of our lives. And yet, this is when we learn the most and our hearts can be more open to what God would have for us. It sounds like you’re in that exact place now. I’m excited to see how God will work in your life in the coming months!
So beautiful… I understand the shutting down to avoid the pain. I struggle with that so much.
What you wrote touches me. I can relate in so many ways and didn’t even really know it until I read your words. I’ve been in a holding pattern of sorts and it’s been lonely. I’m still not sure about it all except the necessity in being raw, real and honest.
Rich blessings, sweet Kelly. May He ever lead you closer to His heart through this journey.
I was DEFINITELY beating down your door to have you take our pictures…and I won’t be the last one.
I am counting down until July…and then again in April.
You have a beautiful eye. Love it. Love your transparency…you make me feel like I can be myself. I always feel awkward posting comments on blogs…like I don’t belong. So here I am…because I believe in your work and what you do :)
Thank you for always sharing and being so open, Kelly. You have a beautiful soul and I definitely feel as though I can relate to what you express about your business. You have so much sheer talent and heart for what you do.
Keep living what you’re living right now. This is for you because of Him. I think the more scared we get, the more braver and determined we become. I’d love to sit with you over a cup of coffee and chat, even if the internet is the only way. I’ve been following your journey, and I can see your growth. It’s your posts I read it quiet, as I don’t want any distractions, I want to take it all in. You have such wisdom. Thank you for sharing.
I’ve been a following of your blog for quite some time. But I have rarely commented. But you have convicted me in that I need to let those I visit know that I am here and that I appreciate the words and pictures. So here I am, delurking to tell you it was the breathtakingly beautiful photos that drew me in. I hope to get to know you better.
Kelly, I feel like I could have written this. Except, I’m an even smaller fish. The whole change thing? That’s my very life right now. Chopping off my hair a few months ago was just an outward sign of inner change going on in me. It was about me following God rather than living my life based on other *people’s* expectations of me. It’s hard! But it’s also very liberating. Keep on writing about your life because so many more people can relate to you than you realize.