I wished for autumn on the first Monday in June, and I think God saw the longing and raised me fulfillment. I needed the life in yesterday’s cool breeze and this perfect rainy morning as I take a deep, cleansing breath before Friday’s wedding.
Would it surprise you to know that I’m scared of this wedding? My bride has nine bridesmaids, and this one has a large referral potential, if I deliver. The nightmares have begun already (oddly enough about not showing up for a wedding I already shot!!!). No matter how much experience I get, no matter how much I shoot, every single session requires more of me than I think I can give, and weddings ask even more.
I’ve been characterized as a successful photographer this week, but I didn’t feel very successful yesterday 900 photos into a two-take self-portrait session with only a few usable avatar images (seriously, those mirror shots are HARD!). I’ve been reeling from a horrible client experience that could have been avoided with a simple contract. I still have some “nails-on-a-chalkboard” issues with my branding, but I’m so busy now with my work I don’t have time to address them all. I know that once my new website goes live, I will be done with redesigns until I can pay someone else to do it for me. Inadequacy has my number; the fraud police are after me…
I miss writing. Perhaps that’s the melancholy that had me wishing for fall this week. Or perhaps it’s the lonely feeling that I’m carrying around as I wonder what my place in the world is now that I can’t keep up with the online pace and etiquette that has given me a place for so long.
I worry about selfishness, because for so long I’ve been able to actively give to someone. But I remembered the other day that I’m still limited. That what I have to give isn’t as much as many in my position are expected to give. I have a husband, two children, a business, and health problems. I can take pictures and share beauty, but I can’t save the world – and I can’t waste my life feeling guilty about it.
We can all only inhabit our lives where we are, if the sky is raining itself out, if people try to suck the life out of you, if the sun doesn’t show for five sessions in a row. We can all only give what we have to give in any moment. Nothing more. We’re not God, and that’s okay. He’s holding the ball that matters, and He has ways of meeting needs that we’ve never imagined. You know, like the feeling of autumn in a Charleston June.
I don’t know what I’ll always have to give, but I can make this promise – I will give what I have. I will get out of bed in the morning. I will be kind. I will love from right here. I will keep seeking and sharing beauty. And I will keep being His. Because when I’ve got nothing else to give, I have Him.
FILED UNDER: From Here, God and Me, Personal
Kelly, this is perfect. Thanks for sharing your words with us.
I like this post. a lot.
So beautiful, making me tear up. That last line is perfect. I feel you. I too feel inadequate every single session I do, and that’s without the added pressure of weddings.
I’ve given myself a “vacation” from writing/photography due to single-parenting this week. It’s been nice to just read for fun during naptimes. However, I screwed up my photography/merged blog while tweaking it and now it’s unavailable and I’m waiting on my host provider to fix it so it’s out of my hands until I hear from them, which annoys me. I still feel like I’m in identity crisis mode as far as writing and photography go, because of just what you’re saying. I don’t feel I can deliver to both interests excellently and keep up. I do feel like I’m having some clarity on the issue though, as I just stand back a bit and pray.
Well, finding out we aren’t enough for even one person’s expectations, never mind many … I guess it’s just reality, isn’t it? We are none of us enough for someone else, but only a part of a mosaic of relationship fitted together by a master designer (or perhaps we are woven together through life) each individual only a part … sometimes a mere glimpse … of the whole love God has shaped for each. I’m learning it from my friends now, from you, how to rejoice in the kind of love each one brings …
and how to value the fact that God is the only one who holds a complete portion for my empty … yet he slips it into the daily of my life–by touch, by gadgets,
by sunset and dawn, by child, by beloved, by words old and new,
by sky, by glance, by flower or leaf,
by smiles, by secrets, by wishes and mystery,
by thoughts, by dreams … by all things good,
whether seen in my own life or just understood …
or glimpsed in another heart, shared as a gift.
And … by finding a poem in the journal of a friend.
Love you, m’dear … and thanks!
(Goes off to play with words some more.)
Good luck today Angel.
Kelly, as I read this, I am recalling the stress of a week in the rain preparing for a wedding that I felt pretty inadequate in planning, especially from another city. But, I am also remembering that as Kelly and I approached the Battery Park on Wednesday afternoon, the skies cleared, the breeze picked up, and you went to “work” shooting her bridal portrait. You transformed my stressed and tearful daughter into a vision in your photographs–by the end of the shoot, we were all laughing and reveling in the beauty of the shots you had captured. Honestly, I think the Lord just thought we all needed it at that particular time and on that day. And He also blessed us with the most amazing weather for the entire weekend of celebrating! What a gift–he definitely answered MANY prayers last weekend!