Over the weekend, my body weighed in on my lifestyle. I’ve known it’s been coming for a while. I only get to live at full normal for a limited amount of time, ignoring my body’s needs the way most people can get away with.
As I forced myself to STOP, I thought about quitting everything altogether. What would my life look like without a business in it? What if my health causes me to fail everything and everyone I care about?
Pete keeps reminding me that I’m not what I think I have to be. I forget that I’m not as big as I think I am – even as big as other people think I am. Sometimes I laugh at the legend my mind makes of me.
But there is a practical difference between a “wedding photographer” and a “boutique photographer.” I am a boutique photographer not because I’m all that, but because that is what I CAN be. I CAN take six referral weddings per year and shoot them well and have a life. I CAN take limited portrait and editorial work on the side. But I CANNOT be a “wedding photographer” with 25 or more weddings a year with engagement shoots and marketing and business promotion and blogging and family on the side. Because I would die if I tried that.
I think that “balance” is knowing what you CAN do right where you are. It is filling up whatever moment you are in with what you need to be right there. It seems that “balance” requires me to be content with what I can be today – and to be realistic about who and what I am.
That is a tall order for a to-do-listing dreamer.
But as I’ve watched my to-do list get moved up and rearranged and re-prioritized on repeat for the last two months, I’ve realized that I have to accept the truth that I cannot do it all. Today, I can do the next thing. Shower. Eat breakfast. Take my pills. Go slow. Write a post, prep a few more, send off a shoot for publication. Check in with the kids. Breathe – always breathe. I FORGET to do that sometimes.
I bawled, reading that final line. There are so many of us in the world chasing dreams and begging for grace to fail, or to choose NOT to dream, or to live a little outside of the expectations we place on ourselves. There is a lot we have to be proud of – and a lot we hold that breaks our hearts.
It’s not worth running over my heart or my body or the life that is in me just to avoid failure. It’s not worth it because if I do that, I will miss your heart. My body tells me when my whipped adrenals keep me up late that I won’t feel anything; I’ll be a machine and I won’t remember what breathing is for.
There are things I could do if I had another person on board (and I hope maybe that will happen soon – we shall see), and things I want to see happen in 2012, but I have to be realistic about the fact that what I am today is not so bad, even if I am not all I know I can be.
It is not failure to be in the place I am in. It is just today.
FILED UNDER: Behind the Lens, Britt Croft, Inspiration, Personal, Quotes, Self-Portrait
Ah, girl. That quote brought me to tears too.
So true that our ears and hearts heard differently than was intended. I often find myself completely overwhelmed…and realize that I’ve done it to myself. Slowing down and enjoying life is so underrated! : )
I hear ya! I love this line of yours: “I think that “balance” is knowing what you CAN do right where you are.”
Yes, that’s what I’ve been working through this whole year. And it’s rearranged what I thought I’d be doing and brought much more peace and satisfaction to my heart. I’ve always been a “renaissance girl.” Good at a lot of different things, loving lots of different pursuits. Having kids has opened doors to pursue what I’d not been able to do before b/c of a 9-5 job. And having kids grow older has caused me to reprioritze and examine what I’m doing too. It’s been good, actually, and very freeing, if a bit painful too.
I don’t know how I wound up here except through God’s direction. I am not a “professional photographer”, I simply enjoy photograph. However, as a breast cancer survivor there are days when it takes pretty much all I have to get up and move. With a major trip in our plans I have been feeling really down about my limitations. Thank you for your encouraging words. I pray the words you receive back will encourage you as well. God bless.
This is such good stuff. I needed it today. xoxo
Kelly – you are beautifully and wonderfully made. I kept thinking that as I read through this. The Father has written your story – all of it. He gives dreams, but I think He gives them in His time. He knows our needs and our limits. I believe He asks only that we live this one day well. He has lovely tomorrows in mind, and He will bring you safely there.
I am in the winter season of my life. If I look back, the path is cluttered with regret and failure – so many things I wish I could do over. But I am slowly learning to embrace this day – not looking back or too far ahead.Our worth isn’t measured in the things we’ve done. It is measured in a Savior’s love.
What Linda said. Exactly that. You are wise to realize the limits and to hold to them. Who you are – and what you do, too – it is enough. It is beautiful. YOU are beautiful. Hold yourself in the center of that truth.
Girl! I’ve lived this. And gratefully I’ve come to a rhythm that I like. That works for me now. But the temptation to go back is always there. I still take myself very seriously, though hopefully a bit less than before. One thing I used to think a lot about is that sure, I could do more, but am I expected to? God doesn’t even have those expectations of us. Maybe if I lean into the life He calls for me now, I would find a rhythm that works for me best. So I did. And I have it. Again, only by grace.
Miss Kelly,
Unfortunately we have lots in common regarding health issues. I know exactly what you speak of in that arena; but, unlike you, I fall into the “choose not to dream” category and do for others as much as possible, whipped adrenals and all. Ugh.
To do the next thing, but do it in love for ones own self, that’s where I falter. (And I reckon it’s no looked upon very kindly from God.)
Blessings.
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