When I was growing up, most of my peers either avoided me, harassed me, or shut me out. I still haven’t figured out why; I suspect I may never understand. Perhaps it was that they couldn’t see what was going on in my heart, or perhaps it was that they didn’t think I saw them. (Point-of-reference people talk a lot about what THEY know in an attempt to relate to others.) Whatever it was, it taught me a lesson I’ve been unlearning under grace for years.
By the time I left for college, I had learned that it was better if I wasn’t me. When I began to open up again only to get my heart thrown back at me, I felt my only choice was to cut and run, to somehow find a way to justify my existence.
So I ran. Fast, and hard, and furious. I shut out everybody in the world who had ever shut me out – and used their betrayal as an excuse to shut others like them out.
It was photography that stopped me in my tracks. Photography and God and a deep desire to photograph people, to say to them without alienating them how beautiful I found them to be, how much I wanted to be like them. Suddenly, I could no longer push the whole world out of my life.
So I began to reach out to people and tell them with my camera how I cared. As Ryan Muirhead put it – with a shaking voice – in the latest [Framed] episode, “…You get this magic box, and it’s permission to talk to people…”
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I have been having a lot of trouble writing lately. Something happened last year with my writing that hurt very much, but because I felt that I deserved it, I absorbed some criticism instead of dealing with it in a constructive manner to create something better. I felt about twelve years old and three inches tall, a feeling I’d never wanted to have again.
So I formed a new habit, a defining, “well, I shouldn’t do it if I’m not good enough. There are enough people doing it better than I do.” I ran as hard and fast and furious from my writing as I ever did from relationships.
And then I realized how “not good enough” I was at photography. And how many people were doing it better. But I couldn’t run. I had contracts. People were depending on me to deliver. And I simply. couldn’t. stop. taking. pictures.
I have thought almost every day about quitting. My heart hasn’t been in my client interactions. With every day, every shoot, I struggle to believe that not everything is falling apart.
But apparently, so does everyone else.
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Everyone else is telling themselves that they’re “not professional enough” not “good enough” not “that photographer.” Everyone else gets jitters before they go to a shoot – even the really. good. photographers.
It’s not because we’re all doing something we shouldn’t be doing. It’s because we GET something that many people don’t get, that we’ve got nothing between us and utter failure except our hearts, our knowledge, and our own vulnerability to our subjects. It’s because when we take the lens cap off our cameras and begin shooting, we are doing more than simply taking pictures. We are speaking something that could last forever.
And none of us ever feels good enough for that, not when you wake up every morning knowing that you could do more than you’ve done, more than you’re doing. I could shoot fifty years and never run out of life to take home with me, and never reach a place where I will stop growing.
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But photography is not all I am, I need to remember this every time I pick up a camera. Ryan had it right when he said that “photography is not the end – it’s a means to an end.”
For me, that end is engaging my real life through brain fog and discouragement and depression and finding it beautiful when I look back on what I would otherwise have missed.
Writing isn’t an end either. It’s a way of processing my life. Relationships don’t define me – they open me to love – both given and received.
Everything I do or live is a part of life, moments and choices and people and experiences piled up into an ongoing “conversation” of days and nights and so much love.
I don’t want any of it to stop, so I reach for eternity, and leave the running aside.
FILED UNDER: Inspiration, Personal
There’s so much talk about art and fear, and it’s so true. To get out there is to be vulnerable – I’m vulnerable in my own studio, just me and a blank piece of watercolour paper, and I’m ashamed to throw a painting away, to admit failure because maybe that unsuccessful painting is the truth about what kind of artist I am. Daring to exhibit, to teach, to stand beside other much better artists is scary and painful.
I guess every day I hope, like you said, that I could do more than I have done so far. I’m learning to have faith that growth is happening, and that my voice is uniquely mine.
Wow, Kelly, so transparent! I was just thinking today about how I don’t attempt certain things because I know I won’t do them perfectly. I am not a photographer. I sew. And I find that most of the time I am fixing the mistakes than whipping something up well. And it’s getting old to me. I would sew so much more if I knew I’d spend more time sewing and less time ripping out seams. So there is so much left to sew. Bins of fabric untouched. I have to get over this fear of not sewing well the first time and the dislike of ripping out seams. All without lowering my standards. I wonder when the desire to create more will overcome my fear of imperfection. I don’t sew to impress anyone. I do sew more for others than myself, I sew because I want to give something that I made to those I love. And sometimes I cringe when I give them something and I see an obvious mistake. And I can remember each mistake still. It’s like those things that were said to us as kids, they stay with us. I am haunted by my sewing mistakes and maybe I just don’t want to add anymore to my album.
PREACH ON, SISTER!!!
Kelly this is gorgeous. Your transparency is such a gift to other artists. You give your readers permission to be real, and that means so much. Since I’m just starting out in photography, this feeling of constantly, day after day, putting myself out there feels really new and raw. The required risk and vulnerability is intense! I’m more trained in writing than photography, so I feel more ‘permission from the world’ (ha!) to call myself a writer than I do a photographer. But I’ve decided not to care. I’ve decided to study my butt off in both fields, and go all in. Thanks as always for the encouragement, and for your super helpful advice yesterday.
It’s hard, I know. A continuous struggle. Keep fighting, sweetie.
Thank you for sharing! I enjoy your writing and love how you reveal your heart!
Very well said.
Your photos and words are usually a bright light in my day. You are making a difference or inpact on that one person. Keep on keeping on sister.
Thank you for sharing your heart, so raw and transparent. Although not a photographer, I am a writer (can’t believe I just said that) and a painter (who, me?) and I often compare myself to others and don’t find value in my own art. But I know God has called me to create, to share his heart and to encourage others. So I just keep on. There will always be another more skilled, but no one like me!
BTW, your photos are beautifully inspiring and your words so valuable!
Choosing to “leave the running aside” is a reaching for trust. It’s His work in us and it’s really incredible grace.
I was just thinking the other day about how incredibly beautiful your words are, friend. Truly. You write in such a way that really makes me feel as though I’m sitting next to you, your voice so pure and true–radiant, actually. And so, I prayed that you would be filled with peace about who you are. And that the noise would quiet and you would be still, hearing nothing but His gentle voice affirming that you were created for such a time as this.
Rich blessings, friend.
I just found your blog and am so happy I did. Your writing is beautiful and paints a picture of what is in your heart and your head. Thank you for sharing hour heart, it is lovely!
Blessings,
Janine @ 3 Wishes
Oh friend, I so get this “By the time I left for college, I had learned that it was better if I wasn’t me”
And for the record you are a BRILLIANT photographer and artist. I have seen you in action, I’ve seen you personally make a difference in someone’s life by “finding the beautiful” – I have seen the results… YOU my dear, are so magnificent! So regardless of what other writers, photographers, or artists tell you… realize that you see things in creative ways that others don’t. It is what I love best about you and it is why it was such a joy the one day I had to watch you in action creating and uncovering the beautiful!