Earlier this year, I realized that the stress of shooting a wedding makes me unable to look objectively at my work immediately afterward, but the stress of having the processing hanging over my head was making me feel guilty for even thinking about taking any photos for myself.
So we set a boundary that appears to have actually WORKED. I now release an initial preview to my couple within a few days of the wedding, cull the images, and then put it away for a week before I try to make it what it was meant to be.
This morning, I picked up a camera and I didn’t feel guilty at all.
You know that feeling you get that every idea you have has been had before? I’m living there lately. It seems as though everything I do is merely a copy of someone else who did it first, and several of my own original ideas have been used by others in the last few weeks.
I’ve been rather discouraged and incredibly lonely. I don’t want to tell anyone what I’m thinking or dreaming because I don’t want to get shot down. The work I have in front of me to get my full site launched is overwhelming. I don’t think I realized until last night that I have never really come up with a good method for putting my work into a portfolio, and it’s EVERYWHERE.
Now that I have a method, it’s going to require a lot of work on the back end – and someone to talk me through it, since I need to verbally process the what and the why as I go here. YEEP.
I fought a virus hard all last week so I could shoot my wedding on Sunday, but it is totally beating me over the last couple of days. I woke today to cooler temperatures, a light mist softening the morning, caught my breath on the air as we saw Pete off to work. This morning’s mood board is my effort not to give in to the cold, to the stress, to the despair and the helplessness that are trying to take me down. It is warm, it is cozy, it is what I’m clinging to every minute lately as I go back to the drawing board to grow some more.
The gap between what I see and what I shoot is closing, but I am still not where I want to be. Still, after pushing out a final logo design last night (SO happy and Icannotwaittoshowyousoon!) I am determined not to let the creative block win today.
Sometimes all we have to live are the moments we’re in, the days we already have. The future isn’t now, and remembering that is the thing that keeps us here, keeps us trying, keeps us learning. This is how we exist, and how we celebrate our lives: living every day of them instead of wishing “now” away. God knows what He’ll do with tomorrow.
FILED UNDER: Autumn, Behind the Lens, Editorial, Mood Board, Personal, Seasons
I understand the feeling of all-my-ideas-are-someone-else’s-ideas. I think even Solomon understood it 3000 years ago– there is nothing new under the sun. That feeling paralyzes me and keeps me from writing what I think I could write if I tried and didn’t let my fear stop me.
I have the greatest of respect for you for pushing through the fear, the blahs, the discouragement, and the feelings of having nothing to offer. Your work is beautiful and it reveals your beautiful heart.
Grace.
Beautiful, Kelly. Saying a prayer for you right now, for rest, recovery, encouragement, and life-giving work.
I love this.
Well. You may be feeling lousy. You may be feeling lonely. You may even be feeling redundant. But I am here to tell you that this right here – this is gorgeous. And so are you. And I can’t wait to see whatever it is you’re creating back there. :>)
I love the board and your last sentence “God knows what he’ll do with tomorrow.” I am just a little follower of your blog and your work and I’m telling you that I want to live in your work, you create beauty that is stunning yet so soothing.